A Purple Winter Read online

  “O’Reilly?” Nick was knocking on my stall door. “You all right in there, Candy Cane?” He was slurring his words a little. “Want another shot of Jägermeister?” He roared a great big laugh, his voice echoing through what I could only hope was an empty washroom. “Open the door, please? I’m worried about you.”

  “I’m o—okay.” I slid the lock and tumbled back a step, trying to give him some room. Nick squeezed himself into the stall, shutting the door behind him. We were standing so close, it made the adrenaline course through my blood, and that helped to clear my mind. “You all right?” He touched my face. “D’you puke?” He pulled a pack of Big Red gum out of his pants. “Cinnamon helps with nausea I think.”

  I popped the slice of gum into my mouth and watched his chest lift under his shirt with every breath he took. His face was so maddeningly beautiful, it tortured me to look at him for too long. How could someone have eyes so blue?

  “You had one too many, huh? Told you not to have that Windex shot.”

  I hesitated, and then picked up his left hand, raising it to my cheek. I pushed my face into his palm, closing my eyes for a moment. His voice. His energy. His scent.

  I was so crazy for him.

  Nick held my face inside both of his hands. “Are you having a good time though?” he asked in a soft voice.

  I opened my eyes and stared at his mouth. “Yes…”

  Nick rubbed something off my cheek. An eyelash maybe. “I couldn’t wait to see you tonight. I wasn’t sure you’d wanna come. ‘Cause of your mom and all. But when I saw you standing there…Wow.” He leaned into me. “I’ve been wanting to kiss you all night. Can I kiss you now?”

  When his mouth touched mine, I almost lost my footing, but Nick gently maneuvered me into switching places with him, pushing me back against the stall door. I melted in his hands, latching on to him, wanting to have him caught in my clutch. We were kissing soft and slow, pressed together up against the door, our bodies rubbing on each other, and my nerve endings were sizzling with every brush of his skin on mine. The alcohol was wearing down Nick’s inhibitions, and being the opportunist that I was, I tentatively slipped my hand under his shirt. He didn’t stop me, so I caressed his smooth chest, and ran my fingertip over his pebbled nipples. When I pushed closer to him, grinding my erection against his, he pulled the nape of my hair, his kiss turning more urgent and deep. This was it. Nick was going to unzip my jeans and put his hands all over me. I needed it so badly I could have begged him. But then male voices boomed inside the washroom, and Nick abruptly pulled away. “Shh,” he warned, stepping out of the stall without a glance back.

  Breathless, I stood quietly and waited for the guys to finish their business. When I was sure that they’d left the washroom, I exited the stall as well. At the sink, I washed my hands and slicked my hair back, catching the gleam in my green eyes. I was lit. I’d tasted Nick’s blue flame and still felt the heat of him inside my chest and down my pants.

  A few moments later, when I found Nick at the bar, he told me that David had disappeared again. Nick was angry, his face tense with concern. He kept saying he didn’t give a crap if David had gone home with some stranger, yet we searched for David for a while, going from floor to floor. The place was dark, crowded—impossible to cover from corner to corner and we soon had to give up.

  “Fuck him. He wants to be like that, then let him be.” Nick led me out of the club. “I’m done trying to figure out what he wants. He toys with me. Not my fault his dad’s a fucking asshole.” Nick shot me a look. “I try, you know?”

  I nodded, rubbing his arm a little. I couldn’t understand their relationship. What was the game they played?

  “I don’t care anymore.”

  I could tell Nick didn’t really mean that, but it was almost two A.M. and I had to get home. Besides, I was sobering up and starting to feel remorseful about leaving my house without telling my mother.

  Outside, it was cold, but I wasn’t even shivering. My breath steamed out of my lips, smelling of beer and licorice. My ears were ringing. My head was under a bell jar.

  “I can’t drive home, man.” Nick laughed, his mood switching. He was already over his anger. “Too wasted.” He started walking west. “Let’s see how far we can walk and then we’ll take a cab.”

  “There’s a ni—ight bus.” I knew about it from my adventures with Aunt Fran. “On René-Lévesque Boulevard. It runs west.”

  “Oh yeah? All right. All right.” Nick was walking crooked and bumped into a girl, pausing to bow at her. “Excusez-moi, Mademoiselle,” he said charmingly.

  She smiled of course, and her eyes moved over him as though she was already imagining what their children would look like. “Pas de problème…Monsieur.”

  Nick hesitated, narrowing his feral eyes, but before he could make his move, I grabbed his arm and led him away. He laughed again and I couldn’t help joining in. He was funny when he was drunk, commenting on everything and making jokes like he was doing a stand-up comedy routine. The Nick Lund show. It was quite entertaining. For minutes, we walked fast, but as we crossed corner after and corner, I forgot how cold it was. Nick was telling me about his new boss, this chef named Helen, who was teaching him the ropes. She believed Nick had what it took to make it in the business. Obviously, Nick was infatuated with her or something, praising this woman like she was Helen of Troy herself, swearing she was going to open doors for him. Then why would Nick leave what seemed to be a budding career in the food industry to follow David to a place where he didn’t know anyone? And what about Lene and Boone? Wouldn’t he miss them?

  And what about me? I was all my mother had left in the world, really. I couldn’t imagine running away from home. It would kill her. If Nick took off, I’d have to stay behind. No, I had to change his mind.

  I couldn’t let him leave now that I knew who he was to me.

  My true love.

  Nick was talking incessantly, describing the dishes he’d been thinking about creating or rambling about recipes he was testing out, and then I realized he was almost manic, and that the only time he ever got this way, was when he was thinking about food. One day, if I ever got my way, he’d be that crazy about me. I’d make him fall in love with me so hard, he wouldn’t be able to go a day without a kiss from my lips.

  When we boarded the bus, Nick was still talking and scheming, even as he shoved change into the box. He was telling me about Norway and how there wasn’t any real good Scandinavian restaurants in the city. He was going to be the first to change that. I agreed with everything he was saying, and anyway, he’d told me all this before, but his enthusiasm was contagious and I couldn’t help envisioning him in a crisp white chef’s jacket, running a kitchen like General Ulysses Grant commanding his troops.

  At this hour, the city bus was crowded and reeked of fried food. It seemed everyone on board was drunk and eating McDonald’s. We found two spots in the back, and right then, Nick plopped down into his seat, put his head on my shoulder, and finally turned quiet.

  As the bus jumped over every pothole, I glanced down at his face. He was passed out, sleeping soundly on my shoulder. My chest filled with a wonderful heat and I smiled to myself. I was blessed. The luckiest person to have ever lived. Nick Lund was sleeping on my shoulder. He trusted me. Felt comfortable enough to share his dreams with me and then rest at my side, unguarded.

  I would be the one to run by him as he chased his dreams. I would spend my life in his great shadow and be eternally satisfied with that sacrifice if it meant that he came to me when in need of rest and support. I’d be his pillar. That would be my place. I’d never had a place before, and now that I understood who I was, everything else paled in comparison. It didn’t matter what others thought of my devotion. I’d become great, too. Because loving and chasing Nick would make me so.

  All the way home, I didn’t move an inch, too afraid to wake him. I watched the city through the window, seeing my reflection against the lights, and decided then and there that I�
��d love him forever. No matter what.

  Soon the city lights were behind us and we were close to home. I’d never forget this night.

  David had been right. Was that the reason he’d left?

  Our stop was coming up, so I gently shook Nick. He sat up like a bomb had gone off. “Shit.” His blue eyes were dark and full of mystery. What had he been dreaming of against my arm?

  We climbed off the bus a few streets away from our apartments. Walking home, Nick was silent, clearly still half asleep. But I didn’t want to say goodbye just yet. Arrived at our building, he sniffed and stopped, glancing over at me. “Uh…so what happens now—”

  “Co—ome inside,” I sputtered. “My mom wo—on’t know.”

  “Yeah?” He frowned. “You sure?”

  “Yeah…j—just come inside.” Heart in mouth, I walked by him and up the stairs.

  Seconds later, Nick was at my back. He wrapped his arms around my waist and squeezed me tight against him. “You sure?” he asked again, his breath tickling my ear.

  I felt his brawn against my back and my dick filled up. I wouldn’t let him leave my house tonight until he gave me a little satisfaction. I wouldn’t ask for much. Only everything he could give me without losing himself.

  * * * *

  My room was cold and I anxiously fiddled with the portable heater, hoping to get it going again, but the old thing was officially dead.

  “Don’t worry about it.” Nick was sitting on my narrow twin bed. “Let’s, uh, let’s just get under the covers…” He cleared his throat and tucked a strand of hair behind his ear, then pulled the covers off the bed and got under them. He was so tall and my bed was so small, his feet hung off the end. “Come here?”

  My clothes smelled of cigarette smoke. I wanted to put on a fresh T-shirt, but couldn’t find the courage to strip my shirt off in front of him. Lying on my bed, Nick turned to his side, holding his head in his hand, watching me with curious eyes. “Come here, O’Reilly.” He smirked.

  I crept under the covers and lay on my back, but then decided to turn and face him as well. I was so nervous I thought I’d laugh or break into tears if he touched me.

  Nick was staring at my face with such intensity, scrutinizing my features as though he was seeing me for the first time or…the last. Then he skimmed his fingertip across my brow, down my nose, hesitating over my lips. “You fascinate me,” he said, frowning and touching every part of my face. “You never talk to me, and yet, I can hear you.” His words filled me with wonderment. “I have a lot of demons, O’Reilly. Look.” He moved his face closer to mine, until our eyes were locked into a powerful, all-consuming stare. “You can see them. I’m hell-bound. I know it.”

  I could see an ocean of blue. A coral reef. Light and kindness. Such beauty and gentleness in his eyes. But no demons.

  Nick leaned his head to mine. “You got me so deep under your spell. And I’m not even gay.”

  He’d never said it quite like that before. Was he confused about his sexuality? Afraid of making a mistake? He’d said he was bisexual. But was it only in a romantic way?

  “Tell me how you feel…” Nick put his hand on my thigh, slowly caressing my leg over my jeans. Sometimes his hand would reach my inner thigh and shoot a shock through my groin. I needed him to break down the boundaries between us. I couldn’t speak. Couldn’t tell him how I felt. It was much too powerful to put into words. So much so, it terrified me. I didn’t want friendship or romance right now. I craved his mouth, tongue, fingers, dick.

  “What do you want from me?” Nick gently undid my belt and then tugged at my zipper. “This? You want me touch you? Is that it? Say yes or no.”

  When I swallowed, my throat was dry and hot. “Yes…” I sputtered, pulling his hand over my erection. “Touch me.”

  Nick’s mouth lingered over mine. His breath still smelled of licorice and alcohol. “You can ask me to stop anytime you want.” Kissing and nipping at my earlobe, he unzipped my jeans.

  I jumped a little, so hungry for his touch, I could barely take it.

  “Shh…it’s okay,” he said softly, his hand disappearing into my open jeans.

  But my body quaked, my dick twitching inside my underwear. “Nick…” I managed to say. “Don’t stop.”

  “I won’t…” Slowly, he slipped his hand inside my underwear and gently freed my dick. For a moment, we both stared at my erection. I was so hard, my dick stood straight, the vein along my shaft pulsing. He skimmed his fingers against the head, pushing my foreskin back. His eyes were cloudy with lust. “My God, O’Reilly, you’re fucking huge. I knew it, too.” The feeling of his fingers on my gorged dick was too incredible. I winced at every caress. Nick kissed me again, moving his hand up and down my shaft, and the pleasure, the very pleasure I knew so well, was nothing like when I did it to myself. Everything was a surprise. Every touch, unexpected. I had to stare. Had to see. With cheeks aflame, Nick was rubbing and squeezing my dick, and once in a while he’d look into my eyes as though I had answers to questions he wouldn’t ask me. I wanted this to last, but he was stroking me faster and harder now, everything in my body converging into the palm of his hand. I crunched my stomach, my fingers tightening on the sheet. He was so beautiful, I needed to kiss him. I wrapped my hand around the nape of his hair and pulled him closer, moaning yes against his mouth. He pushed his tongue into my mouth, stroking me faster and faster, and I tensed all over, my heart nearly stopping. I wanted to warn him, but could only clutch his shoulders.

  “Oh, fuck,” Nick breathed in my ear, squeezing my dick harder, “Come, O’Reilly. I want your cum inside my hand.”

  I shuddered and twitched, watching my dick spurt and spurt inside his fingers. I couldn’t believe the amount of semen that had shot out of me. Embarrassed, I glanced down at the mess I’d made. “So—orry,” I stuttered, sitting up.

  But Nick pushed me back against the pillow. “Don’t apologize so much. It’s bad for your health.” His blue eyes were so full of tenderness that I had to relax and obey. He wiped his hand on my T-shirt and winked. That simple wink shot a fire strand right through my chest. He lay next to me. “Close your eyes. Put your head right here.”

  I rested my head on his chest, right over his heart, but didn’t close my eyes. I was too happy. I listened to his heart beating, and slowly, my own body began to cool down, my pulse returning to normal. But I could feel his erection against my thigh. I remembered what David had said. Should I try anyway? Take the risk of ruining this amazing moment with greediness?

  “I still don’t understand it,” Nick said, after a while. “Why do I feel like I’ve touched you like this a thousand times before? Isn’t that eerie? You make my head spin.”

  My head was spinning, too. I looked up at him. His face was changing right before my eyes. Was I still drunk?

  Nick had fine lines around his eyes and mouth. He was older now. A man. I was entranced, staring up into his aged face. He seemed so sad, the blue of eyes dark with pain.

  Don’t leave me, Derek. Don’t leave me, please. Open your eyes. Open your eyes and I’ll give you everything you’ve always wanted from me. Don’t you dare die on me, Derek O’Reilly. Open your eyes. Where are you? What dream are you lost in?

  Open your eyes.

  “Hey.”

  I started, my eyes popping open. Confused, I stared at Nick’s face. He was young again, looking at me with a smirk. “You fell asleep there for a second.” He sat up and glanced back at me. “I heard your mom stirring up stairs. I better sneak out before she comes down here.”

  I sat up and realized I’d never zipped up.

  Nick kissed my forehead and got out of bed. “Don’t worry. I’ll find a way not to get caught.” He stared at me for a second. “I’ll see you tomorrow?” He laughed quietly and shook his head. “Do I get a few parting words, O’Reilly?”

  I smiled and waved at him.

  “Yeah…good night.” He crept out of my bedroom.

  Minutes later, as I was feeling the
lull of sleep pulling me under, I thought I heard a phone ringing somewhere…I had a presentiment it was my Aunt Fran calling.

  But I ignored the phone.

  Chapter 15

  The next morning, I woke to the sound of Boone and JF playing in our shared backyard. Boone was making loud noises, probably pretending to be a truck or a plane, and I thought I heard JF calling him Maverick. I squinted at the digital clock on my nightstand, but that couldn’t be right. It was past noon?

  Then I remembered last night, the gritty club, the dancing and drinking, the bus ride back home and Nick coming to my bedroom. At the memory of what we’d done in my narrow twin bed, or rather, what he’d done to me, I sat up like a spring and looked at my T-shirt. There was dry cum there. Mine. My face flushed hot. And thinking of Nick’s voice in my ear when he’d stroked me, I was hard again. Was I now officially on my way to becoming a full flaming queer? What was he feeling today? Did Nick regret going that far? He’d been a little drunk last night. What if he was ashamed of our moment of weakness?

  Had to see him. Then I’d know. And if he wanted to, we’d do it again and again and again. I wanted to be the one he trusted enough to let him touch him everywhere. I wanted to please him. Kiss his breath away. Make him lose control. Make him come so hard he’d never want anyone else to touch him.

  Ignoring my morning wood, I grabbed some fresh clothes, before sneaking up the stairs. Safe in the bathroom, I turned the shower on and stepped inside the steamy stall. Light-headed or maybe a bit hung over, I lathered my body with soap and stuck my head under the jet of water, trying to keep my thoughts clean. My heart kept skipping a beat and I couldn’t quite catch my breath. Everything was changing, moving so fast. Things that had been priorities before: school, graduating, staying at the top of my class, were now mere afterthoughts. What was happening to me? I couldn’t recognize myself anymore. I lived and breathed only for Nick.