A Purple Winter Read online

  “All right, well, lemme unlock the door for you.” Nick was getting up.

  But with a hand gesture, David stopped him. “No, stay here. I know my way back.” He looked at me. “See…it always ends the same.”

  “Wha—at?” I didn’t understand.

  David placed his hand on my shoulder, sending a chill down my spine. “Are you where you’re supposed to be?”

  I was, wasn’t I?

  David turned to look at Nick. “Goodbye, handsome…I’ll see you on the other side.”

  “Yeah, okay.” Nick saluted him. “See you around, Davie.”

  Passing me, David grabbed my head. “You marry him on a beach,” he whispered deep into my ear. “In Greece. And it’s the happiest day of his life.”

  Before I could say anything, David was out the door.

  “Man, what was up with him tonight?” Nick watched the empty doorway, and then looked at me, motioning for me to come closer. “Close the door…come sit with me, yeah?”

  The sound of the door closing comforted me. At last, I was shut in with Nick, alone. The night was ours. I wanted it to last forever. I walked to the cot and sat, facing him.

  Nick gently scooped the dog off his lap and set him down by the cot. Then he tugged on my shirt. “We don’t need anybody.” He frowned, pausing for a moment. “Yeah,” he said, “that’s how it feels when I’m with you. I understand it now. We’re enough. Just you and me. We have the whole world right here between us.”

  I could only nod, his words giving me a fever.

  “Oh, am I being too romantic for you, O’Reilly?” Nick laughed and messed my hair up. “Sorry…I’ve been cooped up in this room every night, trying to read this book and you know—thinking.”

  “What—what ab—bout?” I searched his eyes with mine, my heart pumping harder and harder.

  “The future I guess. Traveling. Seeing the world. Meeting people.” Nick skimmed the edge of my hand with a fingertip. “But mostly, I’ve been thinking about you.”

  I was hot all over, his voice putting me into a trance.

  “Why don’t you come a bit closer?” Nick breathed, pulling on my shirt again. “And tell me what’s on your mind. Why don’t you let me in a little?” I scooted up close to him. We were face to face, inches away from each other. Nick brushed my hair back. “Talk to me. Let me hear your voice.”

  I swallowed the hard knot in my throat.

  “Come on, O’Reilly, forget the stutter. Forget it, all right? It’s not important. Just—just relax and let the words out the way they come.” Nick touched my lips, gliding his finger along them. “Relax your tongue. Your mouth. And don’t be so scared.” He leaned in and dropped a warm kiss on my mouth. “Hm…your lips are so soft and full.”

  His breath smelled a little of whiskey and a hint of chocolate. Hungry for more, I kissed him and then moved back, my cheeks stinging.

  “I love it when you go for what you want.” Nick raised my face. “Don’t you know that’s what draws me to you?” He patted my chest, over my heart. “Your fucking strength. You’ve been neglected at home, ignored and bullied at school, and yet, with no proof of love’s true existence, you believe in it, O’Reilly. Sometimes I think it’s the only thing you really seek.”

  How did he know this? How could he see so deep into my soul?

  “And because you want it so bad, you make me believe in it, too.” Nick inhaled a long breath, leaning in again. “You make me wanna give it to you.”

  Overcome, I wrapped my hand around his neck and peered into his cobalt blue eyes, silently letting him know that he was right. That he’d called my nature by its true name. In Nick’s stare, I saw my past, present, and future. I’d loved him before. I loved him now and would love him again. He kissed me, and as our mouths fused, I slid down next to him, barely aware of my surroundings anymore. I was on my back, with Nick leaning over and kissing me, his long hair brushing my eyes and nose. My mind was drifting to another plane, my body taut under Nick’s roaming hands, the scent of his skin and hair making my pulse pound. Every time he rubbed up against my thigh, my dick would throb, my erection ready to tear out of my jeans. When Nick slid his hand under my T-shirt, his palm was like a burning coal on my skin and I looked up at his flushed face, seeing the lust in his eyes. He paused, his hand still in my shirt, his blond hair cascading into my face. “Can I take your shirt off?” His voice was husky. “Or maybe—”

  “Yes.” Too turned on to be insecure, I sat up a little.

  Nick helped me out of my T-shirt, pulling it over my head. He ran a hand through my disheveled hair, smiling affectionately. “Man…your hair,” he said, pushing his nose into my hair. “That color. I’ve never seen it anywhere.” Trembling, I watched him glide his hand down my chest, between my pecs, trailing an invisible line down to the edge of my jeans.

  I wanted, needed, to get him out of his shirt. With shaky fingers, I tugged at it.

  “What…me, too?” Nick was skimming his tongue along my bottom lip, then nipping at it.

  I jerked his shirt harder. “Take it—it o—off.”

  Leaning over me, Nick stripped his shirt off, yanking it over his head with one hand. His hair came loose from the elastic and he tucked it behind his ears.

  I put my hands on his smooth chest, searching for something. But what? “The ta—attoo,” I said, running my finger across his pecs. He’d had a tattoo. I remembered seeing it, but it wasn’t there tonight.

  “What?” Nick was nibbling at my earlobe. “Never had a tattoo.”

  It didn’t matter.

  I pulled him closer, on top of me, wrapping my arms around him. His weight on my body felt amazing. For a while, we kissed and caressed each other, while somewhere in the room, Esco slept. The more we kissed, the more Nick gave up resistance and I couldn’t help sliding my hand down the curve of his lower back, then over his firm ass. When I touched him there, Nick flinched a little, stopping to look at me. I slowly moved my hand away from his butt and hesitantly touched his belt buckle. Nick glanced down at my fingers working his belt open and hid his face inside my neck. “I don’t know…”

  I stopped, but didn’t move my hand away.

  “I’ve never…” Nick leaned on his hand to look at me. He was red-cheeked, his eyes full of tenderness. “With a guy.”

  I carefully unfastened his belt, looking at him the whole time to make sure it was okay. I was so inexperienced, but yet, felt powerful with him. This wasn’t wrong. How could it be? I got his belt undone and held his zipper head in my fingers. When Nick didn’t protest, I tugged the zipper down, the sound of it making my breath short. I could see his blue undies, those boxers I’d touched in his drawer, and the beginning of his golden pubic hair. Nick wouldn’t look at me. He stared at his undone jeans. He smiled shyly and hid his face inside my shoulder again. “I don’t know why I’m so scared of losing control.”

  This time, I was the one to make him look at me. With our eyes locked, I slowly slid my hand inside the front of his underwear and when my fingertips reached the head of his dick, the wetness there made my dick throb. I was the one losing control. I wanted to taste him. But what if I wasn’t any good at it?

  “Oh, my God, O’Reilly,” Nick exhaled, lying back. He pulled me on top of him, and I straddled him, licking my way down his chest, feeling the tremors shake his body. “Wait…” he said. “I don’t know if I can.” But he didn’t move. “It feels too good. It’s too intense.”

  I gently pushed him back, smiling at him. I tugged his jeans down his thighs. And then his underwear. His dick came springing out, long and thick. I wanted to run my tongue all over it. I loved the musky scent of his skin, and with my heart pounding, pressed the tip of my tongue against the slit of his dick. Nick twitched and tensed, leaning up on his elbows. “Oh, man, wow,” he whispered. Following my instincts, I took the whole head of his dick into my mouth and suckled, and feeling more confident, took another inch. Nick’s taste was heightening my senses, and my only desire was to
please him. I didn’t know if I was doing this right, but the feel of him inside my mouth, at times reaching the start of my throat, was driving me into a frenzy, and I slowed down, afraid to turn him off with my greed. But Nick grabbed my hair. “Oh…please, don’t stop,” he groaned. “Please.”

  His plea took me over the edge, and choking a little, I took him deeper into my throat still. We were moving together, Nick’s hips rocking on the bed, my mouth and throat filling with him, and though I couldn’t breathe much, it didn’t matter. Nick was making these wonderful sounds I’d been dying to hear him make, his fingers clutching my hair, and I sucked and suckled faster, hoping not to hurt him. I’d managed to take all of him in, and though it made me gag a few times, I didn’t stop. I held his thighs down, giving the head of dick more attention now, and Nick was quiet all of a sudden, his thighs turning hard under my hands. “Derek…wait, wait, I’m—oh, God—I’m gonna—” He pushed on my shoulders and grabbed my face, and as he was kissing me, shuddered against my chest, his warm cum spilling into my fingers. “Oh, fuck, yes.” He collapsed back against the cot, his thighs wide open, his beautiful dick still twitching. “Jesus Christ.” Nick’s eyes were closed and he had a stunning smile on his face. “Oh, you’re really good at that.”

  I stared at his cum in my hand, and while he wasn’t looking, licked a bit of it off my fingers. Now he was inside me.

  Nick put his hand on my arm. “Come here.” I was hard and horny, yet, strangely satisfied. I lay down next to him and he wrapped his arm around my shoulder, drawing me to his heart. I pushed myself into his arms, as close as I could. Nick played with my hair, his breathing soon coming deeper and slower. Esco climbed on top of the cot and nestled himself between Nick’s legs.

  “Can I tell you something now?” Nick was caressing my shoulder.

  It was late. Dark. Peaceful. Not a sound in the street.

  “Yes…”

  “I think we’re in love.” He exhaled a long breath. “Yeah…Good night.”

  I didn’t want to sleep, but my eyes were slowly closing and my body felt heavy in Nick’s wonderful embrace. He loved me. Nick Lund loved me.

  I’d won his mighty heart. I’d die before I ever surrendered it to another.

  This room was like a womb. I could almost hear Nick’s warm blood pumping through his veins. Could listen to the air move in and out of his chest. His scent was my whole universe. All I needed.

  “You know,” he whispered, his voice as gentle as his fingers in my hair, “you’re stuck with me now. You’re never getting rid of me. I’m not going anywhere, anymore.”

  Neither was I.

  Why go back to the world?

  “Stay with me, O’Reilly,” Nick’s voice seemed to come to me from far away, traversing time and space.

  Don’t leave me.

  What did the world have to offer me that could be sweeter than this?

  Chapter 21

  Why do you look so peaceful? My God, Derek, you almost look…happy.

  The sun is coming up. Your hair is like fire on the pillow. You know I always had a thing for your hair. Sometimes, in the morning, when you were sleeping next to me, I’d put a strand of your hair up to the light, just to watch the sun get caught in all that red.

  Everybody is gonna be here soon. But I don’t wanna see anybody. Don’t wanna talk. Don’t wanna hear. I just wanna watch you. Do you feel me? Do you feel my hand on your hand?

  I wanna kiss you.

  Did you feel that?

  Derek…

  I want you to fight. I need you to be brave, like I know you can. Like you’ve always been. I know reality is shit sometimes. I know the world is getting scarier and scarier every day, and that maybe there isn’t much grace to be witnessed anymore, and it terrifies and confounds you. You, who’s always had a child’s heart. You, who’s never really grown up. The last years have been tough on your sensitive soul. Don’t you think I know it? I tried to shield you from the ugly side of running a business and making a profit. I tried to keep the vultures away. Tried to pretend like I was all right with the way things were. Though I was jealous and suspicious of anyone who circled your heart. And my pride. My stupid, destructive pride. All I ended up doing was keeping you out of my own fears.

  Because I’m fucking scared, too, O’Reilly. I don’t like reality any more than you do. But tell you what, I sure can’t face it if you’re not at my side. Everything you see in the world, I see it, too. I just don’t have the courage to admit it to myself. Because what then? Huh? What then, my love? One of us has to be tough, right?

  Or wrong.

  Is that it, Derek? Is this what this is about?

  What are you trying to tell me?

  Yeah…maybe you’re right.

  You once told me that you cherished your pain because it enabled you to feel wonderment, too. You never wanted to slay your demons. You let them swim out at sea.

  Okay. I get it. I understand now. No more running from myself anymore. You want the truth, Derek? That’s what you want. Well, the truth is, I’m hurt. I’m lost. Half of the time, I don’t know why I do the things I do. Don’t know what drives me. Used to think it was ambition and now I think it’s just my fear of dying. Of being forgotten. Of not having done enough with my life. Of missing out on the meaning. The reason we are here.

  I’m like Captain Ahab sleeping through a hurricane with one eye open on the look-out for the monster. But the monster is nothing but my own weaknesses I don’t want to surface again. In the end, maybe I should have made peace with my own soul instead of taking you down with me, my faithful companion. My first mate. In every sense of the word.

  Then again, Derek, everything I know or think I know could fit in the palm of my hand and what about the rest? That invisible world you are so connected with? Can you show me how to listen to the abyss without fear and hate? How to hear beyond the words and noise? I need you as my guide.

  I don’t know how to break out of this idea I have of who I am. I’m more than the eldest son of Johan and Helga Lund. I am more than a bisexual father. I am more than a chef. An entrepreneur. A success story. A self-made man. A brother. My God, O’Reilly, help me.

  You knew me before. Know me again.

  Show me how to see through the eyes of a child one more time.

  Don’t leave me out here in the tempest of my own material and vain existence.

  I love you, my man. I adore you.

  Please, Derek O’Reilly…don’t forsake me.

  Chapter 22

  Sitting at a red light on Wellington, I turned to look at Nick’s tense profile again. His hands were on the steering wheel, his eyes fastened to some distant point I couldn’t see, and though it was warm in his car, he kept shivering. What was out there? What was he searching for?

  When we’d woken at first light, inside that tiny little room at the back of the Fleur de Sel restaurant, I’d opened my eyes to catch Nick holding a strand of my hair up to the morning sun. We’d touched each other again, all over, slowly and gently, and after spending a few hours on the cot, had decided to clean up and organize the kitchen. While I’d taken Esco out for his morning business, Nick had phoned Chef Helen, letting her know that he owed her in food and booze. Surprisingly, he still had a job. His talent was a valuable asset. That, and his beautiful face.

  But now it was time to go back to reality.

  I put my hand on his knee, and Nick glanced over and smiled, but his blue eyes were the color of a tired November sky.

  Why did he seem so tortured? I sat back in my seat, watching the depressing scenery roll by. It was a colorless day. The snow was muddy, wet, packed up against the sidewalk. The wind blew plastic bags into storefronts. No one was out today. Not a soul walking around. I felt we were lost at sea.

  And yet, for the first time in my life, I wasn’t afraid of the future. I wanted to start it today. With Nick.

  Once more, I looked at him, hungry for his attention. He shot me another glance and smiled. Again, hi
s smile was just a front.

  “Wha—at’s wrong?”

  He was distracted, driving slowly. “Nothing.”

  I leaned in and turned the radio on. It was Elvis’s “I Can’t Help Falling in Love.”

  “No, turn that off.” Nick twisted the dial, his jawline hardening. “Can’t listen to that song right now.” He sniffed and tucked a strand of hair behind his ear. “Makes me wanna bawl my damn eyes out.”

  We were approaching our street, a corner away from our homes. I fiddled with my coat sleeve, nibbling on my chapped bottom lip. We’d danced to Elvis once.

  Or had that been a dream?

  At our building, Nick parked the car in front, bumping into the curb. “What’s going on?” he asked, leaning over me to peer out of the passenger window. My mother was on the Lunds’ front porch with Helga and Johan. Nick blew out a sharp breath. “Now they’re really gonna let me have it.”

  I’d called my mother last night. I’d told her I was sleeping over at David’s.

  “Here we fucking go.” Nick grabbed the keys in the ignition and popped his door open. He gave me a strange look. “Whatever happens now, O’Reilly…I want you to know that it was worth it.”

  We both stepped out of the car. On the porch, Johan, Helga, and my mother seemed to freeze up at the sight of us. Helga’s face was twisted with emotion. She hushed Johan before he could say anything, and slowly, almost solemnly, stepped down the stairs. “Nicolai…”

  I looked up at my mother. She had tears in her eyes.

  Everything came to a halt and the earth stood still.

  “What is it?” Nick said, stepping back a bit. “What?”

  “Darling…” Helga touched his sleeve. Her lips quivered. “It’s David.”

  My stomach filled with stones and I clutched Nick’s arm, prepared to hold him down.

  “David what.” Nick’s tone was brutal. “What.”

  “Son,” Johan said, climbing down the steps, “He was struck by a car last night. Out by Peel Street, near those warehouses.” Johan put his big hand on Nick’s shoulder. “He’s in bad shape, Nico. He’s in a coma.”